0 Blogging About Autism: The Monster of Rumination

Wednesday, 9 October 2019

The Monster of Rumination

The Monster of Rumination  

Going with a Halloween theme for October I will talk about the monster that is rumination.

This one is like an energy-sucking monster living within my brain and so I think it is time to call it out and speak of how badly behaved it is. The rumination monster follows me everywhere  I go and it is always waiting to strike at any moment. It takes up so much of my brain space that there is not much left for anything else. With the help of a wonderful CBT therapist, I can now shine a light on it sometimes when it is lurking in the shadows of my mind. I can sometimes say “hey there energy-sucking monster give me my brain back”. Sometimes confronting it works but I have to distract myself and fight that feeling that it is always just watching and waiting.  Sometimes it is so good at hiding I can’t even notice it is there and when this happens it keeps feeding on my emotions for hours before I catch on.

This horrid beast takes information from years ago and keeps hurling it to the forefront. If it sees me feeling calm for even one second it doesn’t want that and so it throws a thought that my brain will grip onto and ruminate over. Some of the weapons in its artillery are thoughts connecting to traumatic events that occurred years ago. Some are of an insensitive comment that someone made whether intentional or not. One of its biggest weapons is my uncertainty about myself and my perceptions which is caused by autism and seeing and feeling the world differently. It also uses lyrics from songs and plays them on a loop through my mind the songs it chooses are nearly always linked to sad times in my life. Sometimes it just chooses songs that I find annoying and plays them on loop taking up so much of my attention.

 The rumination monster sometimes says “oh I see you are trying to be as healthy as you can let me make that impossible for you.” Whilst I do exercise the whole way through my workout it whispers in my ear reminding me of fear I felt in an abusive home. It reminds me of the fight to escape and it makes me question the people who were involved and who are still in my life. I wonder why it doesn’t just buy a workout outfit and join in but then I realize it's not there to move. The rumination monsters only purpose is to drain my energy and make me feel sad.

It is intent on reminding me that I can never outrun it and that no matter how hard I fight to drown out its voice it isn’t going anywhere any time soon. It likes my thoughts to spin and peace of mind seems to make it extremely uncomfortable. Rationality makes it uncomfortable too and it is always throwing something at me to worry about.  If I disbelieve what it says it will try its hardest to convince me that the thought it is pushing forward is true.

1 comment:

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