0 Blogging About Autism: My Mother Makes Me Feel Like I am Going Insane

Tuesday, 8 October 2019

My Mother Makes Me Feel Like I am Going Insane

Hello, and welcome to my latest blog post I recommend any new readers to refer to these blog posts to get caught up to where things are now.

Lack Of Emotion

This post is mostly veering away from autism just for today perhaps someone out there is in a similar situation and might feel less alone after reading this. Today I really want to write about how families react to traumatic events. My mother has an extreme lack of emotion or feelings towards the abuse  I endured in her home. Yet she has the ability to express emotion towards the abuse that occurred outside of it. 

This is extremely confusing for me and  I feel like she is gaslighting me. I  have discussed everything with her on numerous occasions and she certainly knew what happened when she slapped me and told me it was no big deal. She also knew what happened when she got other members of my family to come and emotionally blackmail me into silence because the abuser's reputation had to be protected. 

Yesterday I was in the car with my mum and sister it was my nieces birthday and she wanted Mcdonalds. Mum told me she got a new house and that the house is closer to where I live as though that is something I want to hear.  Taking into account the fact that where she goes the abuser goes too. She also said neighbours had been asking where the lovely girl they knew was because they hadn't seen me in so long.

 Mum then responded with "I  told them you have just been so busy planning your wedding." If you have read my other posts you will know the situation but I just can't make sense of her at all.

Rewind a few months before this and she had spoken of moving extremely close to the street I live in. I had to tell her that if she did move into my street I would be forced to move out. I am so disheartened at how many times I have told her that I don't want to ever see the person who abused me again and yet it never seems to sink in.  I understand that she might wish the things that happened never did. However, those things did happen and not ever going back to that house was one of the best decisions I have made for my mental health.  

She drove us past her new house and waved at the neighbours who had been asking about me. As I write this it has just hit me exactly why she drove us in the wrong direction and the Mcdonalds ended up cold.  I should specify here that her new house is in the same street just further up it.

Setting boundaries was something that never even occurred to me before the help that I have received via support since my late diagnosis. I never felt like I could set a boundary and my mother can be pretty terrifying when things don't go her way.  I didn't even know back then what a boundary was. My mum would either cry, call me names or give me the silent treatment if I wanted to do anything that might lead to independence. I remember often being called a hateful or ungrateful wee bitch.  

If I wanted to, for example, choose a club to goto it was a problem but if it was something that she had done such as a course she had taken in her past that she was interested in then I got the green light.

I never disrespected my mother, as a matter of fact, I would go out of my way to make her happy. The only times we clashed were when I wanted to do anything outside of her home or when I wanted to tell the police what one of her sons had done to me. 

When I went to a club for disabled people I use to always bring her flowers home from a flower shop nearby. In the bathroom of one of the secondary schools I went to I was offered drugs but  I just said no and walked away. I was not some wild child that she had to keep under control. I just wanted to live some kind of normal life in spite of my struggles with disability. 

I wanted to meet people in spite of my communication problems making it pretty impossible. I just wanted the chance to try and each time I got the courage to  I was traumatised by the emotional blackmail and shouting that would ensue. I hated arguing with someone I loved all I wanted was freedom and it felt like I was being punished for that. I hated seeing my mother upset and I was sick of always being in tears on the few occasions I actually did leave her home.

 I remember she explained that she would go out shopping with my dad and leave me with the abuser because I could not get ready fast enough. My autism is the reason for that and my executive functioning is pretty screwed up. I keep losing track of what I am doing and then The Monster of Rumination pays a visit.  They could have waited on me though they just would have been getting to the shops a few hours later.

 I don't really see how she justifies being so impatient with me when it meant leaving me alone with an abuser but she has never accepted that is what he is. I sometimes wonder if she has accepted it and perhaps she just loves him more than me.  These are thoughts that The Monster of Rumination rumination keeps swirling in my head. Sometimes they pull me deeper and deeper into despair. How could someone who is supposed to love me react that way to something so horrible happening to me?

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